On the now forgotten island of Essex, just off the coast of Ancient Greece. Now a pile of rubble at the bottom of the sea it was once a hub of invention and trade. King Simonis ruled over the island with a firm but fair hand. That was until his people were hit with a curse from the god Psoriasis.
Psoriasis was a little known god. There were no shrine or altars in his honour unlike his fellow Gods. “I am the god of skin” he roared atop mount Olympus. The other gods would laugh at his complaints that no one worshipped him.
“I feed them with fish from the sea and give them safe passage to the mainland” Neptune would say “Why should they worship you?”
Psoriasis would slouch and grumble to himself as the other gods mocked him. “I give our people beauty, they are the most beautiful people in the world” he heard Aphrodite boast “They love me and I love them, who would love Psoriasis” she laughed.
“I give them beauty too” Psoriasis thought to himself, “Hmmmmmmmmmm, that gives me an idea, I will show the People of Essex”.
King Simonis lay in his bed sleeping. It was not an easy sleep. He tossed and turn while voices spoke to him in his head. “Do you think you’re handsome? Ha, You will not be much longer” the voices said. He jumped out of bed, his skin crawling, itching madly. He scratched at his skin drawing blood.
“What curse is this?” he cried as he saw his reflection in a mirror. The face of the god Psoriasis appeared.
“This is my curse on you and your people, I will make you pay for not worshipping me, for not showing your respect”
His face slowly faded and Simonis was stood peering at his reflection. His wife appeared by his side, also hit by this curse then they heard the cries. The whole palace had woken to find their skin flaking and scarred. “Call for Jason” the Kind commanded and a dove was sent to the mainland for Jason and his Argonauts.
The next morning King Simonis sent Jason and his Argonauts on a mission to find a cure to this curse. Aphrodite had appeared in a vision and told Simonis of a land far away, there was an ancient relic that would cure them. The journey would be dangerous and Jason was known to be the bravest man in all Greece. An old friend of King Simonis, he would undertake this journey.
Their ship set sail as the people of Essex cheered them from the dock wishing good luck and a safe quick return. Jason consulted his map and the stars to find the remote island that Aphrodite had told them of. Psoriasis looked on from the heavens “Ere, Neptune, how about releasing one of your monsters, you know give them a challenge” he asked.
“Get stuffed” replied Neptune, “Big Brother’s on”.
So the journey to the island was pretty unadventurous. In fact the Argonauts got a bit bored and when they finally hit land they had a quick game of footie before making their way to a nearby temple. There they met an old man with grey hair, a long beard which he stroked in deep thought until they realised he had nits in his beard. “Old man, wise sage, can you help our people, they have the curse of Psoriasis” Jason said whilst keeping his distance somewhat.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Psoriasis” he exclaimed, “My cousin had that once, I gave her this cream, it cleared it in a few days.” He handed Jason a small pot. Jason studied it curiously.
“Erm, it’s a bit small isn’t it?” He held up the pot “It’s a whole Island of people we need to cure”.
The man opened a cupboard “I have much more, only £50 a pot, miracle cure it is.” He put on a straw hat and pulled down a sign saying “Honest John’s Psoriasis Cure” only the words “cold sore” had been crossed through and psoriasis written over them.
“We have no money, we were told of a relic” Jason said and with that the man shut his cupboard and ushered them out.
“No money, no cure” he said slamming the door of the temple in Jason’s face. Jason turned to his men, one of them looking at a map with a sign saying “You are here.”
“Jase mate, it says here there’s pharmacy just over the next ridge but it’s closed on Sundays.” Jason’s face fell for today was Sunday. He checked his wrist sun dial and studied the map again.
“Let’s try this place called the Super Market” he said pointing at a large building shown. “It’s only five minutes away and open late. We should be able to get something there, otherwise why would they call it Super?” he beamed. The men cheered as they set off.
“Hi ho, hi ho” one of the men started to sing.
“Oi, cut it out, wrong story” Jason glared back at him.
They reached the Super Market and it was a wondrous place. There in golden light with a sign above saying “Limited Edition, one of a kind available here only” was what Jason thought must be the relic that Aphrodite had spoken of. “Someone distract the guard” Jason commanded. Two of the lads started to fight and were escorted out. Jason seized the opportunity and grabbed the relic, sliding it inside his tunic, whistling innocently as he walked out.
They ran back to the boat and headed back to the Island of Essex happy that they had succeeded in their quest and would cure Kind Simonis and his people. The journey back was pretty much the same as the one there, nothing much happened despite Psoriasis splashing about a bit in the water while Neptune looked on shaking his head.
Back at the palace trumpets blazed as Jason and his Argonauts entered, carrying the relic on a large tray. “King Simonis, I bring you your cure” Jason shouted proudly, eyeing up one of the King’s concubines thinking he would be getting his reward soon.
King Simonins rose from his throne and looked at the relic. He picked it up and stared at it. “Jason, a golden fleece? Really? Do you know how itchy wool is?”