Given that since the beginning of December last year I’ve almost gone every day with some sort of cold, bug, sore throat, ache or pain (for those that believe in it, I’m a Virgo), I decided to go and see my GP. My main reason was to get a referral for to see a dermatologist as this prolonged period of illness and cold British weather was playing havoc with my skin. One day okay, the next I would be red, sore and wanting to make like Baloo Bear and find a scratching post. (Who’s now singing Bear Necessities in their head?) Oh man I bet that would feel good actually.
The problem is that the weather and cold bugs I’ve been getting are causing my moods to swing more than Old Blue Eyes himself. It’s also been resulting in a certain person scratching himself a little too much, well a lot too much, to the point of drawing blood. Sometimes I’m not sure I know I’m even doing it, my wife certainly does and she has her unique ways of letting me know. It’s all made for this year not starting too positively and the mood swings have stopped me getting off my moody backside and pulling myself together. I think though, most sufferers of psoriasis would tell you that pulling yourself together isn’t as easy as said.
I know I’ve been moody. I can even see how I speak to people and how I act while in these moods. It’s like an out of body experience as I watch on but am helpless to stop it. Luckily I have friends and family who will tell me when I’m being out of order or just plain off with people. Sometimes they’ll just steer clear of me and give me the five minutes I need for my brain to re-boot and take proper control of my emotions. It’s a very slow count to ten when I get in these moods and I can hear myself talking to me and telling me I’m being stupid and childish, to calm down and start again with whatever it was that I just lost my rag with.
Getting back to my GP and the referral, all was good for about two days as getting the referral sorted is a move forward, a step against this condition so you feel all good about yourself. Very quickly I became that moody changeable person, bitterly cold weather and then a very nasty bug that floored me for two days which I’m still recovering from just don’t help you stay strong. My energy was gone and my resolve was looking very fragile. Then along come the strange thoughts that you get when you overthink. It’s not difficult to overthink about psoriasis for me as it currently occupies every waking second of every day of my life (could do with the lights diming and a bit of dramatic music there).
There are two main thoughts that have gone through my head. The first was actually to think, how about I don’t medicate over the next four weeks until my derm appointment so my skin looks really bad and I get the treatment I think I need. Yes, bit of a mental one there. Yes I actually did contemplate stopping my meds to show really bad skin to my derm, partly this was because I had a sudden clear up and it didn’t look too bad and I thought they’ll just send me on my way saying it’s not serious. What you can’t see on me at the moment is that the healthy looking parts of my skin are also extremely itchy and irritating. They also can’t see what this condition is currently doing to me inside, maybe I should just take a lap top and show them my blog, although I could see me being taken to a nice comfy padded room if I done that.
The second thought I had was a bit odd for me. I make no secret of being an atheist, I actually told my mother when I was seven that I thought the bible was a good story (yes I’ve read it) and then want to explain the theory of evolution. I’m not against religion, I just don’t’ get it and this condition actually gives me arguments for and against. Psoriasis is so unrelenting in the way it attacks your skin and mind , leaving you depressed, full of anxiety and with low self-esteem that I understand why people would turn to religion (of any sort) for support and answers. On the other hand I think if there is a God, would he or she really do this to people and if you start the “It’s a test” argument, I’ll take all my psoriasis rage and clout you. That’s one thing I really don’t get, along with the rest of the evil that goes on in this world. Anyway, I’m not really here to argue about religion, I’m just trying to explain where I stand on the subject. My recent though was that if there is a God, which means there’s a heaven and then there must be a hell. This condition has me so desperate at times, I think that should there be a Devil, I would like to offer my soul in exchange for clear skin. Yes that’s how desperate this condition can make you. So if he’s out there, the offer’s there, oh and if there is a God, please explain to me what the hell (ha ha) I’ve done to deserve this.
Please don’t start arguing religion with me, I don’t want to get involved. We all have our beliefs and I respect that, I have friends from many religions. If you want to say a prayer for psoriasis sufferers, that’s most welcome and thank you, all the same if you want to raise a glass of Jack Daniel’s in the church of Inn keeping, that will also be welcome too. Like I said, we all have our religions.