I had been thinking of a new piece to write about psoriasis, looking at something a bit more upbeat, possibly humorous (well what I consider funny anyway). I did start writing something the other week, oh you’d have laughed, it was hilarious, honestly. Actually I can’t even remember what I had started to write as since then I have been dragged back to that precipice of despair and aguish.
After a pretty crap skin month in December I was starting to recover a little, in fact my skin still seems to be clearing up on a daily basis. That seems to be only in appearance though as my skin feels like I have a million insects crawling under it, it burns, itches, is painful, every last inch of it. To look at me you wouldn’t say I had a skin condition (as long as my elbows, legs and back stay covered). It seems at the moment that the better my skin looks the worse it feels.
This has been annoying me as I can’t sit still and haven’t been sleeping well. I find it hard to concentrate at work, I’m irritable, snap at the slightest thing. I have asked for a referral back to the hospital recently as I went to see my GP in a rather sorry state. When asked what was up, I answered with one word “everything”. I had nothing left at that moment, it’s all I could say, it’s how I felt. I know that not everything is wrong, it’s the state of mind psoriasis gives you. The one thing I do feel though is that I have given up. After all this time fighting this condition I am starting to feel like it’s won. I wrote about a war with psoriasis that I was winning, well psoriasis just performed a stealth attack on me and has floored me.
It’s being in a constant state of unease, of not being able to relax anywhere that was getting to me. My skin is clearing but it itches like hell and as if that wasn’t enough my psoriasis does one more thing to push me over the edge. As I sat at my desk at work, I felt like there was something on my scalp, just above my ear. I put my hand up and felt something damp, seeing my hand I saw blood. This wasn’t blood pouring down my face, nothing that dramatic but it was the final straw and I broke, badly. I didn’t know what to do, who to turn to. All these years of dealing with psoriasis and I suddenly forgot how to deal with it.
I spoke to my boss and minutes later I was walking out of the office, shaking, trying to keep hold of my emotions. I didn’t stop to speak to anyone, head down, heading for my car. I didn’t think about what was happening as I had to drive, all I wanted was to be home. It was only once I got home I let go, my resolve shattered and I was a mess of emotions. There’s despair, anguish, anger, a lot of anger and confusion. I’m still angry now and I don’t understand what is happening anymore. Why now does my skin decide to spontaneously crack and bleed. I don’t even consider my psoriasis to be that bad, certainly not like it was at it’s height when bleeding skin was a daily occurrence.
I think it maybe shocked me too. I thought I had this thing more or less sussed, I knew what the game was and how to play it. I didn’t know that psoriasis decided to play it’s joker. I spent the rest of that day overdosing on moisturisers, I soaked in balneum bath oil, washed my hair with a rich moisturising shampoo, poured balneum over my scalp then everything went on. Anything I found went on my skin before I started to feel normal again. Ha, normal, at this point I’m now sticky and uncomfortable, but at least it’s not an itch.
All this recent episode has taught me is I can’t keep plodding along thinking I’m in control. Psoriasis has mugged me while I wasn’t looking and put me back on the edge with just a think rope holding me up as I wait for the next appointment with a consultant. The war has definitely swung in favour of psoriasis and I’m not sure I can win anymore. The little hope I have is that as I have found with this condition is tomorrow I could be itch free and kicking it’s arse again.
One last comment which is to thank my very understanding boss.