2012 is a big year but I’m not here to go on about the Olympics and the Diamond Jubilee. 2012 for me is a significant year as I turn 40. I am looking toward September with excitement though as I’ve really already had my mid-life crisis when my cooking brain left me and my favourite pastime was lost for a while. It also marks about ten years since I first noticed I had psoriasis.
I have been thinking, as I think many people do, about my life, what have I done, what would I still like to do. I have been careful not to look back and say “what if” or have any regrets. What’s done is done, decisions were made and here I am, married to a beautiful and supportive wife and have a close family. I’ve also experienced some amazing things, cooked with top chefs, ridden a horse at the Grand Canyon and flown a plane among others. Things I would never give back or change.
There’s only one thing I’d like to change about my life, my skin. I have read many blogs and peoples comments on support sites, saying they wouldn’t change it and that Psoriasis has made them stronger. I just would rather have done without it. I’d like to have never had to be afraid to show my skin, never had those sleepless nights where my skin was so itchy and sore, never wake up in a pile of skin and never have felt so depressed that I couldn’t see the light anymore. This condition is, well pants.
I would like to say that psoriasis has made me stronger and helped me deal with the crap life throws at you sometimes. I just can’t because what I’ve found is that when crap gets thrown at me, psoriasis makes it even more difficult to handle. When you’re getting stressed about something, and believe me when I say we have had to deal with some tough moments this year, psoriasis pops up and says “hey, I feel like getting really itchy now and causing you even more stress”. Yes I know it’s a skin thing, it reacts to stress but psoriasis, you really can go and do one.
This is the sort of attitude I’ve taken to psoriasis now. I have learned to live with it and I may have said before I’ve learned to accept it. Actually I think that’s only half true and I don’t see why I should accept it. If I accept it then it’s won, I will let psoriasis take over. I actually think by not accepting having the condition, I will always fight it. Yes it’s part of my life, but it’s part I’d happily live without and I will keep trying to find a way to make that happen.